Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
