I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
