I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
