I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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