My sheets look like a crime scene.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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