i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Randomize
