I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
