Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
