I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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