so that wasnt chicken after all
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
