he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
