I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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