I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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