why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
