so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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