We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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