Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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