Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
