Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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