did you get engaged???
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
