Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
