a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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