I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
