So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
