I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
