just come out here and I will go home with you...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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