I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
