I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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