I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
