I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
