All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
