I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
