i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
