I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
