I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
