It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
