Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
