If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
