I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
