you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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