ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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