He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
