dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
