I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Randomize
