He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
