i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
