Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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