did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I pour the whiskey from now on
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
