I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Randomize
