I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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