I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
